My friend Jess picked up Guitar Hero 3 (RedOctaine / Neversoft Entertainment) for her Nintendo Wii last night at Midnight. She’s a hard core GH fan…and just hard core in general. Here’s her review of the third installment of the GH series, and a recounting of her experience waiting in line at Gamestop with a bunch of greasy geeks with hard-ons.

Alright Heroes. Here’s the scoop on the latest installment of the wondrous GH series.

So I’ve been a GH fan since day one. The hubby got it for me a couple of years ago for Christmas. I didn’t put it down till February.
Last Christmas we were fortunate enough to get a Wii from Santa, and again, we played the sh*t out of it. You can only imagine
the excitement when the news dropped that our two favorite pastimes would come together in wireless rock harmony. And to top it all off, it was released on Stan’s birthday, so of course I gifted in kind. Here’s the scoop on the first 14 hours of ecstasy.

We got the call that the local Game Stop would be open at midnite for the hardcore GH fans, and luckily we have one right around the corner, literally.

So we had a few drinks and prepared for ensuing nerd crush to get our baby and bring her home. 11:30 rolls around and we set out on our half block adventure. We arrive, armed for the zit fest, ready to throw down and put the social rejects to shame, and wow, it was a sad lot indeed. Kids with Kiss makeup, parents staring at their watches, and the glow of the brightly lit storefront taunting one and all, filled with the very same “expert” rejects, doing sh*tloads of nothing. Bastards.

, parents staring at their watches, and the glow of the brightly lit storefront taunting one and all, filled with the very same “expert” rejects, doing sh*tloads of nothing. Bastards.

As the smell of vomit and doughnuts surrounded us, the keys rattled and out stepped the king of all nerds. He had armed himself with some GH trivia, in an awkward effort to bring some humor to the small crowd. What he had forgotten to take into account was the serious nature of the situation. This was not his usual RPG crowd, we meant business. We needed a fix, and we needed it now. He didn’t even know how to pronounce Brett Michaels’ name. Not that I love that fag, but come on dude.

Shamed by the crowd he went in and fetched an even MORE pathetic kid: Sensitive ponytail, inappropriate nervous laughter guy. His opening line? So you come here often? I said, “Right here? No, I usually come at home.” A few of the fathers laughed, the kid was blank. I had had it by this point, the time had come, and thanks be to Zeus, out came the “manager”. We were seconds away from rock glory.

We managed to slip in with the second group allowed to enter. This poor weekend dad waited with his kid forever, they hadn’t pre-ordered. Chumps. After they sulked away in shame, we got up to the desk, and there she was in pristine white packaging, sent from whatever naked-lady-packed-opium den you get sent to when you die. We snatched that sh*t and ran. Well, stumbled.

We get home and the hubby tears into it. It was like waiting for your dealer when he’s being a little bitch. As each new piece emerged from the box, the box got hotter and hotter, if ya know what I mean. We slipped the Wii remote into its wonderfully fitted slot, and I imagine it’s the closest thing to sex most of those poor, sweaty geeks have or ever will experience. It was a beautiful thing. Natch.

We start it up, Angry Slacker materializes, and the time had come to strut. I jump right in on hard. HOLY SHIT! It’s hard. I was a little embarrassed, cause to date I haven’t found a chick who can beat me, so I consider myself a damn good player. The thought of being beaten back to medium was a little pussy-ish. F*#k that, I just wanna play. Medium was on.

This version feels a little more precise than the last. They really want you on point, gone are the days of slop. But I embrace the challenge. They’ve added a few things like, highlighted Hammer On and Pull Offs, new venues, better back story and awesome playlists. I flow effortlessly through the Killers, as Angry Slacker lays down the Spanish Inquisition about all the stuff on screen. New meters are interesting, and they give you streak counts during play now; those psychs you out a bit. The rumble kicks in during starpower, which at first was distracting, but then evolves into pure bliss as the guitar rages in your hand. Brilliant.

The best new feature by far you might ask? Waging head to head battle with Tom Morello. Instead of starpower you get weapons to throw him off his game. He couldn’t handle the power of the vagine. Kiss my ass Tom Morello, right on the spider button. Oh yeah, you battle Slash later. Change your name to Gash buddy, cause
you went down faster than that hoagie Oprah had last night.
We beat the game this morning, on medium, I’m not gunna go into all the details, but the end is pure evil in the best way. Buy it. Play it. Rock On.

Right on Jess! Here’s how you purchase your new copy of Guitar Hero 3:

Ckick Here

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 28th, 2007 at 9:47 pm and is filed under Game Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.